My Baby Yoga Recovery Program

I feel kinda like my spiritual journey is on fast forward lately.  Idle little streams I've floated in that seemed to meander down a path of their own have suddenly merged into a raging river.  I'm slowly letting go of trying to control the situation or the destination....and I now can hear above the din and confusion of twirling rapids a roaring waterfall just around the bend.

And yet....

I know that much freedom will come as I surrender to the free fall.

Listen for my unrestrained scream of surrender and joy. 

Just a friendly warning :)

My yoga practice is still in its infancy...and it's HARD.  I'm talking limb-shaking, sweat-drenching HARD.  It's easily the most vulnerable thing I've ever undertaken.  

My thoughts as I attempt movements my body just DOES NOT WANT TO DO range from 

'what the hell am I doing this for???' to 'OMG, this is ecstasy!' to 'holy shit you can't be serious' to 'I'm freakin' rockin' this pose and I didn't even know I had this kind of strength!'.  

 Basically it's a raw human experience tangled with a deep form of spiritual enlightenment I've never known.  Somehow moving your body in new and often awkward and uncomfortable ways while focusing on your BREATH and speaking kindly to yourself  in the company of others opens you up wide.  

Tremors of terror threaten to overwhelm me each time I remove my sandals to enter the sanctuary.  

Tears of frustration and surrender lurk just beneath the surface as I push myself to simply TRY what I'm sure I can't do. 

Waves of love, thankfulness, wonder, and acceptance wash over me as I lay in savasana (corpse pose) at the end of every practice.  

Listen, I've always been 'the big girl'.  For this reason I've avoided fitness clubs, classes, and anything that might reveal to the world that which I've spent a lifetime trying to hide: that I jiggle in all the wrong places.

I have cellulite and loose skin and stretch marks and vericose veins.  I'm uncoordinated and my legs are too long.  My breasts resemble tube socks with tennis balls at the bottom and my rear end is wide and flat.  My arms are like bat wings, and my belly rests comfortably on my upper thighs when I sit.  I shall never be considered anything but FAT by our pop culture.  

BUT....thank Goddess, I'm not someone else's opinions.  

When I finally entered my first yoga class, imagine my astonishment to find a room full of fat, thin, old, young, male, female, shy, smiling, fearful, confident Beings sitting quietly on their mats...

 Just imagine.

It feels I took my first breath ever as I dipped my toes into the healing yoga waters.....

I'm discovering hidden strengths, hidden weaknesses. Amazing beauty, amazing brokenness.  

Stubborn hope and stubborn habits.  Unrelenting acceptance and unrelenting fear.  

The physical mirrors and reveals the spiritual and emotional.  Our bodies reflect the triumph and tragedy of our inner life.  And while it may be possible to move thru a physical practice of yoga without accessing the Person inside, I'm discovering it makes the practice MORE difficult to do so.  The energy it takes to block the uncomfies that arise is too draining to the physical demands of the practice.  So I endeavor to humbly dive into the shame and embarrassment, the frustration and fear each time I unroll my mat.  

JK Rowling says "Understanding is the first step to acceptance.  And only with acceptance can there be recovery."

Carl Jung said "We cannot change anything until we accept it.  Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."

Yoga is ministering to me.

It's bringing me understanding and acceptance, and finally some recovery of the TRUTH of Who I am.    (Which would be: Perfect as is, thankyouverymuch.)

Wanna know what I've recovered thru my baby yoga practice?

I am a woman of ABUNDANCE.  A Goddess of fertility and sensual curves and softness.  My bum is a gigantic HEART, my thighs are towers of STRENGTH.  My skin wears the blessed evidence of a life devoted to trying to love myself, even in unhealthy ways....and of creating, birthing, nursing, and nurturing six MIRACLES into life.  My arms and hands are HEALING conduits to those I love, my lips a BALM to my beloved husband.  My body is SEXY and FULL and BEAUTIFUL.  

And my BREATH is evidence of the unconditional LOVE coursing thru me, supporting me, and reminding me that I'm ALIVE.

In short: My BEING is PERFECT. 

I'm also learning to have faith in myself....as I gingerly try to lift my hand from the supporting yoga block on the ground....and then weeble wobble my way into Warrior 3....then come crashing down in an ungraceful heap on my mat.  Perfection.  

I'm learning to have faith in others......to support and love me thru my attempts at HARD things, in their understanding giggles that slice thru the tension of embarrassment, in their physical touch, in the safety of community.  My loneliness is beginning to dissipate, the coldness in my heart is melting in the brilliant warmth of a community of acceptance and understanding.  Perfection.

The Goddess who runs my yoga school believes when the time is right, the teacher will appear.

In my instance, many teachers have appeared.  And the story just keeps getting better.

I look forward to witnessing other flowerings in my life, even as I learn to live in the PERFECT moment I'm in right now.  

(Which would be: ready to tumble head-long over the waterfall.)

Who'd a thunk that practicing a downward dog would open an entire universe of love, acceptance, community and faith?

And I haven't even told you about my first Kirtan concert :)

4 Month Progress Report!

Guess what my scale said today.....

Source: weheartit.com via Cindy on Pinterest

I know.  We all need a scale like that, eh?

Well, as far as what it REALLY said, and what the measuring tape told me, I'm down 3 more pounds, but my body fat stayed the same as last month (32.5%) and 2 pounds of the 3 were lean body mass loss. :(

Even after cutting down on my aerobic exercise and increasing my protein all month.

Although my clothes continue to fit better and get looser, I've still not gone down another full size for 2 months.  I'm discouraged, but got some great advice from THE Robert Ferguson (creator of the food plan I've been using) on the Diet Free Lifestyle facebook page. 

Unfortunately, there will be no more carb snacks before bed.  

I'm to try to eat a hi protein/lo carb snack in the evenings.

I'm gonna try lo fat cottage cheese, a vanilla whey protein smoothie, beef jerky, hard boiled eggs....

  

It was a hard morning, and I've fought hard to keep my spirits up.  

I know I can do this, and I need to stay focused on ALL the benefits of being healthy....not just smaller sizes.

Anyway, here's my beauty shot:

Itchy Brains and Glowing Butts.

Somethin's itching a part of my brain the last few days.

Source: Uploaded by user via Cindy on Pinterest

I'm finally scratching it.

Source: buzzfeed.com via Cindy on Pinterest

See, I tend toward the negative. 

 Which is to say, the path of least resistance....and it's a path well-traveled by many, so it's easy to find company, which expands the negativity bubble.

Source: google.com via Cindy on Pinterest

But that itchy itch has really flared up lately, and I've been desperately scratching it, to bring some relief.

Source: tumblr.com via Cindy on Pinterest

And I'm getting closer to banishing the cause of the itch. 

 Which is to say, the reason the itch exists....and how to recognize more speedily where a better path lies.

Source: dailydawdle.com via Cindy on Pinterest

That itch is the awareness that I'm kinda over witty, bitter gossip. 

Snarky-ness. 

Being a bitch.

Source: etsy.com via Cindy on Pinterest

My heart, mind and spirit don't like it anymore. 

Worn out phrases that used to make me snicker, well -placed sarcastic comments and judgments that used to drizzle off my tongue remind me of trying to pull up a wet bathing suit.
 Friction and awkward displacement of body parts.
 It takes a lot of effort to fit them back on myself without doing some major shifting.

Source: Uploaded by user via Cindy on Pinterest

So I'm scratching that awareness itch by intentionally focusing on the positive.
Spreading  goodness and love and all things nifty and sweet.

Source: thecolorsofmymind.tumblr.com via Cindy on Pinterest

Because I *do* have the power to make changes in my life. 

 To forgive myself, clean up my messes and start each day with new mercies from the Goodness that surrounds and indwells each of us....if we are AWARE enough of that Presence. 

 This week, I hope I won't feel the itch as much as I did last week. 

And next week maybe I won't even hardly notice it. 

Next month I might just transform into.....

Source: via Cindy on Pinterest

Are you noticing that itch?  

 Are you ready to make changes in your responses to life and people, instead of automatically engaging the tired, flippant thoughts and words that continue to push you along the well-worn, crowded path of negativity?  

Talk to me.

I want to hear about your journey.

Together our bums can light the way thru the darkness to the better path.

A post about nuthin'. You know, for a change.

Oh hey.

Pulled out the chunky monkey to capture my T1 cuteness the other day.

I'm continuing to figure out if I sorta like or sorta despise my hair.

It definitely needs to grow some more, but I like how it looked on this day.

To bad it still takes $45 worth of unpronounceable goo and about a thousand hours to get it like this.

Ok, that's a lie.

Just dried it, sprayed it, and thought, 'T1 enough'.

Over on the Type 1 DYT facebook page, they're doing a 'wear a dress everyday for a week challenge',

so this was my contribution.

Yay.

My spiritual journey...adventures in wandering off the map.

I've come to some rather startling conclusions of late.

You know, the kind that leave you a bit breathless, thrilled, and well...
scared shitless?  

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Yeah, those kind.

For awhile now I've felt an increase in that feeling of 'not fitting in', 

and that tends to drawn me down to The Ugly Place.

 And I've managed to avoid the terrors of That Place for several months (for the most part).

I decided to do some things intentionally.  

One of those things, and it's a biggie, is rewriting my spiritual blueprint.

Perhaps the biggest catalyst has been my facebook feed.

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It's schizo.

I'm whiplashed from christian-y status-stuff like: 

'if you support Obamacare UR going to hell...share this if you love Jesus', 

followed by my leftist, gay, new-age friends posting pictures of Batman being bitch-slapped, fairy dusted imps frolicking thru clover or my personal favorite, 

'the face of FOX news'

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It all puts me in a mood.

It plays on that 'who the heck am I?' thing that makes me squirm.

So instead of stuffing that awkward feeling with say, a box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls (be still my heart),

I decided to begin defining where my beliefs sit at this present moment. 

'Cause that ties into my blog name, yeah?

Here's the deal.

I don't consider myself a Christian in the traditional sense anymore.

This means while I respect Jesus and his words and works on earth, I don't really think he was magic.

At least not anymore magic than the rest of us.

I do think he was in alignment with the source/energy/god/universe/creator/etc. 

I don't know that his murder was a sacrifice for all mankind,

but if it was, whether or not I believe it has no bearing on that work.

I don't think this source/energy/god/dess has a personality.

I don't think it prefers some to others.

I think we are all conduits for this energy and can choose to purposely or inadvertantly block this energy.

I'm still fuzzy on negative energy, but I believe if we continually block the Good,

we give place to the negative.

I speak from experience here folks.

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If that doesn't get me the boot from the conservative christian map, the next tidbit might do the trick:

I don't believe there is a fount OUTSIDE OF MYSELF that can 'save' me.  

And by the way; I don't believe I'm inherently evil or good, so I don't need 'saved' from anything.

Yep, I've wondered off the reservation.

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(not really, but a damn bit closer to wonderful than where I've been for 40 years...)

Interesting thing I've noticed thus far in the journey:

As I've dabbled in researching other forms of spirituality, 

there's lots of ways to believe a 'prosperity message' (using a Christian term).  

There's also lots of ways to believe a 'need something outside myself to fix myself message' too.....

People call on angels, claim abundance, plead with something outside themselves, offer sacrifice to something outside themselves, or just plain worship themselves.

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None of these are working for me either (no judgement from me if this works for you).

As I mentioned briefly above, I'm warming to the idea that my thoughts are very powerful,

and spending time meditating on the good instead of say, 

the negative transfat of life 

has immediate positive effects on my spirit and moods, buuuuuttttt......

I'm just not a woo-woo person.

I wasn't one inside the crazy charasmatic circles where folks spoke in tongues or fell over or cackled like hens either (bless their hearts).

 That's why I've attended a safe wee Mennonite church for the last few years....

no clapping hands, raising hands, praying on people, altar calls, demonic infiltrations.

(yeah, I just typed that out loud)

Unfortunately, my wee church isn't bringing me life either.

My spirit feels caged and stifled there, and the relative safety from the craziness of my charasmatic past, while definitely needed for a time,  isn't worth the shrinking of my soul anymore.

My biggest influence so far in this journey is....

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Ok, not really, but on second thought......maybe.

Actually, it's Ekhart Tolle (who oddly enough reminds me of Master Yoda) and his work A New Earth.

He's all about Being and living in the present, the Now, as that is the only reality.

(See?  My blog fits in all over the place in this post)

He talks about the ego, and how we disengage with it. 

He describes a life of awareness and being 'awakened'.  

His words make the most sense to me right now, and I'm considering hosting a book discussion group to delve deeper into his stuff in a real time, face-to-face environment.

There'll also be chocolate.  Just sayin'.

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I don't know the difference yet between creating my own reality, working for change, etc....and at the same time just learning to live in the Now, live in peace no matter my circumstances, accepting what is.  Someone's got some 'splain'in to do.....hoping the book group might help.

In light of Tolle's book, I've also decided to give yoga a try.

Because everyone likes to see plus size women in yoga pants hiking their bottoms to the sky.

T-Tapp has been a great foundation to mindful movement, body alignment and breathing.

I think yoga will add another dimension to this,

a kind of Type 2 way of caring for my body and quieting my mind.

My squirrel brain needs some reigning in now and again, T1 that I am.

(me frolicking with the water fountain for all to see...my sis joins in, god/dessloveher)

And now for your reading pleasure, a brief history of my life with Jesus, 

who played the role of crucified and risen savior for most of it.

As writer, producer, and star in my production, though, I'm still deciding what role he'll play for the next act:

Birth to Age 11: Catholic Birth and Resurrection club (attended mostly Christmas and Easter) Remember attending some CCD classes in a stifling hot room but never got confirmed.  Damn.  I wanted that white veil and gloves.


11-14: Assemblies of God where I learned I would burn in hell if I didn't say a specific prayer, babbled incoherently as proof I wasn't gonna fry, and to feel ashamed of myself most of the time. A lovely experience.  I did like the music though...except for those times my mom put my plus-sized arse in front of the congregation to sing plus-sized Sandi Patti tunes in which I forgot the words and attempted to squeal on pitch.


18-21: newly married with a baby, we were lucky to get the sisters into a bra to even attend a church.

21-35ish: Vineyard.  I spent a lot of years here, and they were mostly good ones.  I learned Jesus was tender and merciful, loving and kind.  It got it's grounding in the early days with a hippy Californian muscian, so my thirst for meaningful, passionate music was quenched. We attended 3 different congregations (Indy, Dallas, 2 in Fort Wayne) in which each pastor was an ego-maniac on the prowl. I led worship, wrote and recorded music, annnnd pissed off the pastors.  In that order.  Evidently I had an 'issue with authority'. Whatev. Watched said pastors take a dump on several very dear friends.  Told said pastors to kiss it and walked. Not very T1 of me, but my T4 secondary had taken the wheel at that point.

(me leading/singing with the guitar at the Vineyard in 2000...my two girls in front, both married now and the one on the left has a baby girl)

35-present: the last 10 years have had me searching for ways to burst my bubble of experience within the confines of Conservative Christianity.  I realized I had a BIG. FAT. ZERO friends or aquaintances outside that paradigm.  Red flags tattered and torn, I finally got clued in that perhaps that wasn't the healthiest way to live a life that was supposedly following Christ's example.  So I started reading all these really controversial people like Rob Bell and Brian McLaren and Shane Claiborne and Don Miller and Anne Lamott.  Lo and behold I began to see a way thru my dilemas with faulty church leadership and rigid bible translations.  I also became a democrat.  I volunteered for Obama's campaign. Twas a good time for me.  I would've loved to just pitch my tent in that place and call it a day.  It was then I discovered the small Mennonite Church I mentioned above, where most members are over the age of 65, many of whom were conscientious objectors in WW2, almost all have done oversees missions, annnnd can't hear very well anymore...Hubs and I became members and tried to plug in, learned much about living a faith grounded in the works of Jesus and not a bunch of hyper-spiritual woo woo experiences. Those folks were appalled at the stories we shared about the theology of our past churches.  We are still at that church, in fact, hubs fills in now and again for the pastor and I sing in the choir.....but times, they is a'changin'....

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I recently went back to my therapist who is teaching me to really listen and respect my inner voice that wants to BOLT as soon as the first organ note sounds on Sunday morning.

During Lent, I truly thought I would crawl out of my skin if I had to sing one more word about the bloody death of Christ for a sinner like me.

And besides, coming from the Vineyard, where a plethora of excellent music is produced each week,

to singing hymns and 'contemporary songs' from the '70's has been just a tad too difficult for my T1 soul to deal with. 

I used to blog at a place called Tracking the Edge....I'll resurrect some of those posts here in the future, as they get more into the nitty-gritty of how my spiritual evolution has unfolded.  In the meantime, here's a post I wrote in 2009 about where I found myself at that point....I've even moved beyond this, though, as at that time I still believed in Jesus' death was sacrificial in a literal sense.

Well I guess the time has come...

Lastly, I visited a Unity church this past weekend that wasn't a fit, but it *was* a hoot listening to a fill-in gay Reformed Catholic priest end his sermon singing Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory" to back up trax.  

Next week I'll bravely attempt a Congregational Church downtown.

Maybe they'll play Adelle's "Rolling in the Deep" on the handbells?

We can hope.