Geneen Roth. Can't get enough.

My library copy is getting ragged.  Last night I found it at the half-price bookstore and leaped on it.  I've been yammering on about it for a couple weeks now, but I've decided to devote a whole post every so often to the gems of truth and wisdom that come trickling out of its pages.  

If you're new here, let me introduce you to the book:

Women Food and God

I've been enamoured with Geneen's books since I devoured (no pun intended, I think) her book When Food is Love a few years ago.  Her message of ditching diets and learning to trust your body (not necessarily your mind) to heal from compulsive emotional eating (or insert any other compulsion du jour), was like finding a long, lost friend who understood me.  To read someone else's articulation of the jumbled emotions and suffering I'd dealt with for years surrounding food was like a whoosh of cool wind thru my scorched soul.  

When Food is Love

They are not easy books to read.  They don't lay out step by step instructions for fixing what's broken.  They are part autobiographical, part instructional, largely encouraging.  It takes a lot of letting go, trusting the process, learning to love and trust yourself again.  It's a completely new paradigm for life as we know it. 

I've started going back thru Women Food and God paragraph by paragraph. I want to highlight a few quotes and how I'm processing them.  The first is right on page 2.

If we are interested in finding out what we actually believe--not what we think, not what we say, but what our souls are convinced is the bottom-line truth about life and afterlife--we need go no further than the food on our plates.

When I read this, I was hooked....though I didn't have a clue what she meant.  Thankfully, that is her thesis statement for the book, and each chapter delves into how what and how we eat is a parallel universe to our inner world.  Page 4:

Food is good and comfort is good.  Except that when you are not hungry and you want comfort, food is only a temporary palliative; why not address the discomfort directly?

Therein lies the rub.  For me, I never even stopped to consider why I'm putting food in my mouth when I  was not hungry.  Of course there are myriad situations where you might do so for appropriate reasons....dinner at a friend's home, when you're sick and need nourishment, when you know you won't have another opportunity to eat for a long while and will need stamina for instance.  But Geneen is talking about emotional eating, sticking something in your mouth in a desparate attempt to feel something physically to cover over emotional feelings.  Most of my life I haven't been in touch with those emotions.  Too much of ANY emotion felt scary, so I replaced it with the physical sensation of tasting, chewing, swallowing, fullness.  Convenient.

Geneen's whole thesis revolves on cultivated this awareness.  Stopping for an instant.  Getting in touch with your physical belly.  Asking some curious questions.  Hard work.  That's a freight train that needs halted, and most of us overeaters aren't about to get in the way of that!  Page 6:

But right here, right now, in the center of this wound--I've been abandoned and betrayed by who and what really matters and what I've got left is food--is where the link between food and God exists.......
.....It marks the feelings we won't allow ourselves to feel, and in so doing, keeps our lives constricted and dry and stale. In that isolated place, it is a short step to the conclusion that God--where goodness and healing and love exist--abandoned us, or betrayed us or is a supernatural version of out parents.

She goes on to say her work at retreats is to work thru this despair by "being curious, gentle and engaged with the cynicism, the hopelessness, the anger."  Which doesn't necessarily translate to comforting our inner child.  Geneen believes (page 7):

...there are frozen places in ourselves--undigested pockets of pain--that need to be recognized and welcomed, so that we can contact that which has never been hurt or wounded or hungry.

In other words, we can't fathom our innocence without walking thru and gently examining those "undigested pockets of pain".  I will mention here that the thought that there is an innocence within me flies in the face of all I was taught and believed about salvation thru Jesus.  To transcend the 'sinful nature' in order to get in touch with Goodness (God) is a radical concept to one such as me who had embraced 'there is no good thing in me' mantra for more than 3 decades.  Hmmmmm.  There's a can o' worms, eh?  Page 12:

As soon as the feelings come out, there is an inevitable recognition of the self-inflicted violence and suffering that fuel any obsession.  And on the heels of that recognition comes the willingness to engage with and unwind the suffering rather than be its prisoner.  The exquisite paradox of this engagement is that when the suffering is fully allowed, it dissolves.....
....And without the self-inflicted pain and the stories about what is wrong, what's left is what there was before they began: our connection to meaning and to that which we find holy.

It's all about perceived self-preservation.  As we grew up, and tramas (major and minor) unfolded in our lives, we found ways to cope.  Those defenses, while helpful as kids, often become unhealthy habits and morph into compulsions as we age if we don't go back and 'digest the pockets of pain' so they can be eliminated.  Just like food that doesn't get digested and eliminated then makes us feel sick, those lumps of fermenting pain need dealt with as well.

But even being aware of those pockets of pain isn't enough.  In fact, in my own life, the awareness conjured fear of feeling that pain again and often resulted in a binge.  Or at least an couple oreos and a session of vegging on the decorating blogs.

The process of untangling the hairball of our compulsions lies in understanding what we really believe.  In order to do that (page 16):

....pay attention to the way you act--and to what you do when things don't go the way you think they should.  Pay attention to what you value.  Pay attention to how and on what you spend your time.  Your money.  And pay attention to the way you eat.

As you can see, like T-Tapp, this journey to wholeness regarding food takes focused attention.  Mental energy.  Courage.  Mostly kindness, gentleness, and love.  I'm ready to engage again.

Been a'pondering.

Since everyone and their dog are talking about New Year's Resolutions and goals and cheese diets, I figured I'd jump on the bandwagon too....

Here's the deal, though.  I'm a T1.  You know, the light, airy, bouncy, unfocused, disconnected type.  The great starters, full of enthusiasm and ideas.  But we ain't so great at finishing what we start.  Maybe it's just me, but I tend to notice there are more overweight T1's than any of the other types shown on the DYT club nights.  And that soooo makes sense to me.  Starting an exercise or eating plan is full of promise and FUN, and we can already visualize all the cool new outfits we'll be able to wear and how great we'll feel and look riding our new Beach Cruiser down the block, hair blowing in the wind, cheeks all rosy.

source

We start with gusto, but bog down when it isn't FUN anymore.  I've never been able to keep at new habits for more than a few months....having twice lost significant amounts of weight with diet and exercise.  Both times I regained the weight (call me Mrs. Obvious).  I think this go around I really need to stay focused on the small daily goals of being present, being kind to myself, etc.  I definitely don't need to say "I will be a size such and such in 6 months".....recipe for disaster for a T1.  I *have* set a mini-goal of a size 16 by my birthday, which is the end of March.  But I'm not focusing on that.  I'm not.  I'm not even gonna mention that we leave for a family vacation in Disney World in 4 weeks.  You didn't just read that.

I'm thankful I have a T3 hubby who is doing this with me.  He doesn't need to lose much weight, but he's still making wise choices about food, and exercising with me daily.  I enjoy being around him when we set goals together.  He's so gracious with me, but more importantly, with himself...a wonderful model for me.  He takes each day as it comes, gets r done, and doesn't let tomorrow's workouts or food choices even enter his noggin.  I'm thinking Someone important said something similar.....letting tomorrow worry about itself, Easter lilies of the field, that kinda thing.

I need to find some FUN pictures of Jesus.  

This is sooo not a Fun Jesus.  

Too T2, I'd say.

Because I'm a secondary T4, it's easy to revert to that energy when I'm feeling vulnerable or helpless....but instead of the positive spin of attributes, I cling to the negative judgements on myself for failing.  I focus on what I can't change instead of what I can change. How many times I've failed instead of counting up my many successes. I get sarcastic and moody, withdrawn and broody.  Not good for a T1!  I'm hoping to discover how I can pull in this secondary Energy to help support the changes I'm making.  For instance, balancing out the start up enthusiasm with a bit of long term perfecting.  I hope these lifestyle changes will offer my T4 side a bit of fodder for perfecting the 'system' of treating myself kindly (and less flippantly), caring for my body with T-Tapp and health giving foods, while still being true to my dominant 1 who needs to not dwell too long on the nitty-gritties.  And needs some transfat every now and then without feeling like a complete failure.

I've been reading Geneen Roth's newest book, Women, Food and God.  I'm thinking it's not helping right now as I'm getting cross-eyed worrying about why I compulsively eat, run away from finding myself, etc.  While I love Geneen's work as a whole, and am so thankful she says out loud in affirming ways what needs to be said about compulsive eating.....it's something I prolly need to set aside for now.  My T4 rebells, but alas, I need to keep this whole thing light right now....ride the wave of the new, the exciting, the fun.  Maybe I'll pull that book in again down the road, as it does contain much wisdom and goes hand in hand with Energy/Beauty Profiling.  The latter is more FUN, though. :)

How has your energy type affected the way you make change in yourself?  Have you thought about that much?  How effective is goal-setting for your type?  How can you set and accomplish goals if you're not a T3?  That's what I've been a'pondering.....

The Art of Staying Slim.

I began my day today reading over at Lani Muelrath's site.  There are tons of great articles on healthy lifestyle over there....I came across her site via the T-Tapp forums as she's a trainer there, and she's also one of the workout folks on Teresa's Basic Plus videos.  AND, she's a short torso/long leg like me, and it motivates me to see her looking so vibrant and beautiful!

Anyway, I ran across this terrific blog on the post she wrote called "Art of Staying Slim", and wanted to share a few jewels of wisdom with you:

Yes, it IS possible to enjoy what you eat, exercise a little, and create the life and body you love.  What more artful enterprise than that of a happily healthy body that has become adaptively trim? 

Diets can be equated to food jail:  telling you when, where, and how much to eat, indefinitely.  The assumption is that our bodies have no internal mechanism worth trusting in this regard, and must be watched with a firm hand lest we go totally out of control and eat all the wrong things until we blow up.  

Diets infantilize us.  The power of choice and decision are taken away, further distancing us from our own intuitive ability to become adaptively trim while eating the foods that we love...

We need to be ready and willing to give up the story of seeing ourselves as someone "with a weight problem" and invite our bodies to change along with our minds.

Lani is one of those women I admire because her focus is on health AND feeling beautiful.  She spends a lot of time breaking myths about diet and exercise, cuts to the chase, and gives great ideas for maximizing results with innovative programs, scientific studies, and personal experience.  She is a kindred spirit when it comes to living purposefully, living an examined life, and one of balance and beauty.  It's nice to find mentors in cyberspace. :o)

peace.

Geneen Roth. Telling it like it is.

I love Geneen Roth's When Food is Love.  I've read and re-read this sumptous little diddy when I was feeling hopeless, alone, and just downright lost.  I barely got thru the intro as I marked up even more parts with my bright pink highlighter...to differentiate the blue pen lines from the last foray thru her literary balm.  

I thought I'd share some nuggets with my own reactions today:

....I spent the largest part of every day thinking about what I wanted to eat that I shouldn't and what I should eat that I didn't want.  As I began spinning a world in which there were only two players, food and me, my capacity to be affected by other people diminished greatly. (pg 1)

Geneen has never been married or had kids, so her plunge into self absorbtion and complusive eating lays right there on the surface.  I wouldn't say I exactly thought about food ALL the time, but let's put it this way:  

*My daily journal from a 4th grade camping trip outlined in exquisite detail every morsel of food they served us.  And I read that thing over and over in my room....

*I remember secret late-night visits to the McDonald's drive thru across the parking lot from my high school after show choir rehearsals.  There's *nothing* like the first bite of a quarter pounder with cheese done on the sly.....

I was IN LOVE with food and how it made me feel.  I became giddy (sometimes I still do) at the thought of a secret, or heck, even public rendezvous with food.  I especially loved carbohydrates and sweets.  Dessert was the climax.  I felt shimmery with delight during and after consuming it.  

As I have revisited my limited memory of my childhood, some things stand out.  On the positive side there was Christmas and butter cookies and Johnny Mathis.  Family vacations to the beach drinking ice cold Sunkist soda.  Long drives with Mom to the mall in the evenings. Ginny dolls and Snoopy.  Barbara Streisand records and Dad painting, wallpapering, mowing, and stomping on the mole hills in the back yard.  Pretending to be married to Spock.  Dreaming that my second grade love interest (on my part only) Ricky would be standing outside my window.  Watching Grease.  My friend Karen and the lovely freedom to raid the fridge and cookie drawer I felt at her house after school most days.  

On the negative side:  Being forced into sexual touching and intercourse at age 6 by a family friend's son  (who was in 3rd grade).  Knowing I was doing something bad that I didn't want to do, but dismissing the thought of telling my mom because she's just say 'that's ridiculous'.  Being 'goosed' in the lake at the same camp mentioned above and feeling the excruciating pain of my broken hymen and the humiliation of knowing I couldn't get out of the water for fear of blood. Pretty sure I was broken for life. Not telling anyone.  Sitting on the ground so as not to have a bowel movement---for six weeks when I was seven.  Sitting on the toilet for several hours trying to go for my mother.....nurses holding my legs over my head on the crinkly paper while my rectum was cauterized from the tears.  Screaming for pain and humiliation.  Getting my ears pierced for being such a good, compliant girl.  Doctors saying children with anal retention are dealing with stress....my mom saying there was nothing stressful in my life.

The panic of desparately trying to dig a boy's hand out of my jeans behind the fence in 7th grade.  The panic of a junior trying to kiss me while he sped down the road to take me home from school and finally finding solace in the gay boys in my choir who were like non-catty girl friends.  

I didn't let many people in, and for good reason.  My comfort was first and foremost food.  My escape was my insatiable imagination.  Things I could control.  On of the several counselors I've had over the years mentioned it was only natural I overate....it was the ONLY thing I had control of in my life.  Some become anorexic (God how I prayed to have that!), some use drugs, some sex, some overeat.....compulsions are simply our shout out that we're feeling out of control and goshdarnit we WILL control something.  We WILL exersice free choice in SOME area of our lives.  So....when thin folks look down their noses at the obese guy gorging at the Chinese buffet and comment how 'out of control' he is.....they better think again....that dude is in TOTAL control of what he's doing.  It just so happens he's prolly out of control of some other really painful stuff in his life. 

Again, some tidbits from Geneen: 

I thought I wanted to be thin; I discovered that what I wanted was to be invulnerable. (pg 1)

Yeah, that.

I didn't know how to engage myself deeply with a person, only with food. (pg 2)

That too.

T

he wonderful thing about food is that it doesn't leave, talk back, or have a mind of its own.  The difficult thing about people is that they do.  Food was my lover for seventeen years and demanded nothing from me.  Which was exactly the way I wanted it. (pg 2)

Convenient, no?

Eating is a metaphor for the way we live; it is also a metaphor for the way we love.  Excessive fantasizing, creating drama, the need to be incontrol, and wanting what is forbidden are behavoirs that block us from finding joy in food or relationships. (pg 3)

She continues:

...learning to stay in the present, beginning to value ourselves now, giving the hungry child within us a voice, trusting our physical and emotional hungers, and teaching ourselves to receive pleasure enable us to be intimate with another person. (pg 3)

And here's the kicker:

Diets don't work because food and weight are the symtoms, not the problems.  The focus on weight provides a conventient and culturally reinforced distraction from the reasons why so many people use food when they are not hungry.  These reasons are more complex than--and will never be solved with--willpower, counting calories, and exercise.  They have to do with neglect, lack of trust, lack of love, sexual abuse, physical abuse, unexpressed reage, grief, being the object of discrimination, protection from getting hurt again.  [People] become self-loathing, unhappy adults not because they've experienced trama but because they've repressed it. (pg 4) (emphasis mine)

So there you have it.  And that was all just in the intro.  I told you this would get gritty.   

As I begin to take steps to become healthy and balanced....more self-aware, I will need Geneen's book to provide a constant reminder of why I do what I do, don't do what I want to do, what eating healthy and caring for myself really means, and what it might shape up to look like in my life.  

So here's some affirmations:
I'm grateful for a sensitive spirit and a willingness to be open enough to revisit some really not-so-pleasant parts of myself.  

I think I'm brave in the face of fear.  Hurray!

I'm motivated by seeing the unhealthy patterns in my own kids of coping with tramas, (deep breath) and wanting to be a healthy enough person to be a safe harbour for them to express their pain and disappointments.  

peace for today.