Saturday, April 30, 2011

So I have this imaginary friend....

More like an unwelcome guest who invades my brain whenever the hell she feels like it.
Her name is Depression, though she answers to other names like Hopelessness, Helplessness, Anxiousness, Angst, and Anger.

I hate her.  She's a parasite, and takes everything good in my life and consumes it til I'm left high and dry.  She locks the real me inside the prison of my brain, and relentlessly takes over my life.

She only obeys this Boss:

Unfortunately, The Boss also takes up residence in my brain AND my body.  Sure, he keeps the Unwelcome Guest at bay, but he keeps everything else at bay emotions.  Anger: check.  Joy: check.  The Boss believes status quo is best, and maybe it is.  But there are times (and they're getting increasingly more frequent) that it's not best.  

The mind, once expanded to the dimensions of larger ideas, never returns to its original size.
~Oliver Wendell Homes

Having tasted a bit of true joy amidst an incredibly poopy winter has me aching for more.  A couple months ago, I noticed I'd slipped in my daily routine of ingesting The Boss.  Missed a day here, a day there til I figured I'd try an every other day rendezvous.  (Doc had suggested this as the weather lightened up.)  As I realized I had made the shift to a lifestyle of exercise and better eating habits, more choosing to see the glass half full, and actually surviving.....telling the Unwelcome Guest to shut the hell up and go away, I thought I might test the waters and give up The Boss altogether.

Bad Idea.  Capital 'B', capital 'I'.

Two days ago I hit another wall.  I saw it coming before I could get turned around and run the other way.  It was a mess.  I made a mess.  I've yet to clean it up.  I don't know how.

Ever feel like it's easier to not try again than to try and end up right smack dab where you are right now?  That's why I dared to start yet another blog...this chance making change.  And I've done a darn good job over the last 4 months.  But the changes are miniscule, taking hard work to even maintain.

I don't have any choices anymore.  In order to survive, I will ingest The Boss because my family likes him better than the Unwelcome Guest.  I will restrict my food choices because another Unwelcome Guest is ringing the doorbell non-stop (Diabetes), and hope that the third Unwelcome Guest ends up leaving quietly under a surgeon's knife (uterine fibroids).

I have this feeling that the 'me' I think I am...the one I can just barely hold onto is trapped inside this crazy, broken brain and this overweight, taxed body.  She is shackled by this physical shell that houses her with a crew of unwanted Guests.  What would I be like without the stress and strain of a diseased mind and body?

Tonight Hubs and I discussed yet again how to make changes to help me cope.  I am so unhappy in the house and city we live in.  Sometimes I think I would do better in a warmer climate, preferably near a beach.  In a smallish house with high ceilings, a lot of windows and a big soaking tub.  Is that too much to ask?  What's the line between making lemonade with the lemons and manifesting what you (think) you want?  "What if's" are a huge stumbling block....hubs has a really great job, I mean really great.  I'm terrified that he'd leave that for something that gets us south only to be miserable and living with regret.  Honestly his job is the biggest reason we are 'stuck' here.  Plus we have debt that needs taken care of and a house that would be difficult to sell, let alone make money on for something different, even in a sunshiney economy.

Don't know.  I am consumed with thoughts that run the gammut of running away to pulling up my plus-sized-girl panties and dealing with life as I have with medication and diet and exercise...though the ante has gone up.

During my manic day I spent a HUGE amount of money on clothes and accessories to numb the pain.  I also bought a dozen Dunkin' Donuts (is there anything a delicious on the planet????).  Fortunately I ate only 4 before getting sick at my stomach...and the stuff I bought was either Goodwill, clearanced, or outlet.

Interestingly, even as I talked to myself in terms of hopelessness and failure, I found myself picking out happy colors and things that lightened me.  Compulsion aside, shopping at least kept me from driving off the road or worse.  That healthy, whole T1 Cindy WAAAAY down deep was still somehow able to hack the Unwanted Guest's radio frequency enough to focus my eyes on pretty colors.  She's hoarse from screaming, though.  And subdued again.

Anyway, I'll show off some of the stuff I got. Putting outfits together is a formidable task that brings a bit of  a pleasurable challenge, and gets my crazy brain distracted.

I even draped the hangers with jewelry.

Images: google images

That's it for today.  


  1. Cindy, I hear you loud and clear. I suffer from depression too and it's no fun. I'll never stop taking the meds though because I'm too scared of the anger and sadness that comes without them. I've started taking care of myself with diet and exercise too and my husband says I am much more even tempered and good humoured than I was before. Thanks for bringing up the subject. A lot of people still think we're "crazy" when you mention depression, unfortunately.

  2. My sweet Cindy. I've been thinking about you so much the last few days, and here I come now - and now I know why. ((hugs)). I would have called you yesterday if I still had your phone number. I'm hopeless with phone numbers. Girl. I hear you loud and oh so clear, and I'm not saying that this is the answer to your problems...but do Google food allergies. I'm off dairy and wheat, and I'm feeling really normal. Brain allergies - Google that - and see what you think. You never know - maybe it's as simple as that. I miss the hell out of you.

  3. Beautiful colors!! Hey, I have your third unwelcome guest, too. And winter is not my friend, either, though when I started taking vitamin D drops it helped A LOT.

    Thanks for sharing what you have been going through with us. I hope you feel more yourself again soon.

  4. I've just read Jayme's comment about allergies. I stopped eating dairy and meat about three months ago and I found results right away. Haven't tried the wheat though.

  5. Thank you for sharing and for being so open. I think I'm struggling with this whole depression thing too...but not sure.

    On the lighter side: I know of a cute little house in sunny Florida with high ceilings and a soaking tub for sale!!


  6. I can so relate. To all of it. It's been a really long hard winter.
    Take care of yourself.

  7. You are very brave. I'm sure you'll find peace and joy. Thanks for being so real. I never do well if I'm inside too much. I too am off gluten (and should get off sugar) and feel so much better. Hope you are enjoying spring sunshine now and doing well.


I'm all ears! Er, eyes.