Monday, May 2, 2011

A question that needs answered.

In the midst of yesterday's post, I asked myself this:

What would I be like without the stress and strain of a diseased mind and body? 

I cannot get this out of my mind.  Mostly because I realize I don't really know.  Geneen Roth speaks about getting in touch with the unbroken, whole self...the way were were as children before we were so uber-aware of ourselves.  Before the messages of self-hate began chipping away at our 'being' and we started the dance of 'doing' in order to fix the broken places. (I'll be writing more about this when I get to Chapter 5: Beyond What is Broken) Focusing solely on what's wrong instead of what's already perfect.  That whole person is still inside us, still a part of us, and comes shining out in our 'being' moments. Carol Tuttle also talked recently about the difference of 'being' and 'doing' regarding living true to our Energy Type.  I suppose it's what I'd call the 'essence' of myself...the distilled, unencumbered self.

If I could magically strip away the weight, health, emotional and mental issues that plague me, what would be left?  What identity would I find?  Don't get me wrong, I'm learning to love and cherish all the parts that make 'me', well, 'me' as I walk thru this physical realm.  But it appears I live much of my life too aware of all the things I'd like to change or need to change.  I posted on the T-Tapp forums this morning that it can be difficult learning to live in the present tense when you're body isn't functioning up to par....I feel held back.

What would it look like if I awoke in the morning without the aching, numbing pain in my back or the physical exhaustion that dogs me?  What reality could I create without the burdens of my issues?  Again, I'm not saying burdens and suffering are bad....they bring to light all manner of truth and pathways to healing and wholeness if you let them.  But I sorta feel like my maladies define ME.  And often dictate how I spend my time and (little) energy.  And yet, I can't really get a picture or sense of my 'self' apart from the needed and necessary tasks of getting healthy.  What's left when everything is 'fixed'?  

It's a hairball, for sure.  I don't want my identity, my 'essence' to be "she who is always fixing herself" or "she who has weight and depression issues".  I'd much rather know who "she" simply IS.  How 'bout "she who is light and bounce and air and fun....who just happens to live in a pretty incredible physical body that gives her grief sometimes" ???  Yeah?

I suppose this is why some people meditate or pray.  Something I've never been able to do very well as a Type 1 with thoughts that bounce all over the ding dang landscape of my brain. :)  But breathing slowly and deeply...that is something I am learning to do.  It brings me back to the present.  And all the 'extras' sorta get fuzzied out of focus to the periphery.

I shall try to quiet myself today and breath deep and slow...then think about images of myself from my childhood....happy ones where I lived in a world of imaginary play, before I knew I had bigger-than-average thighs and I was going to be a famous tennis star wholloping the ball over the net or an Olympic figure skater in a sassy feathered and tulle costume or Barbara Streisand belting it out in front of untold crowds or Cinderella being rescued by her handsome prince.  

Thank you for the kind comments yesterday.  My inbox is full of folks waiting for responses from me, but I must be honest....I don't have the energy to give to it.  Perhaps selfish on my part, but there it is.  I hope you understand.  I'm so glad some of this resonates with you, and I hope it pushes you a bit further in discovering who YOU are.  This blog is about chronicling my life journey, both for my own encouragement and satisfaction as well as encouragement to others journeying the same path...whether now or in the future.  Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:

I took the path less where the hell am I?  


  1. No, no, don't worry about not writing back. You're right, you probably don't have the energy right now and people understand that.

    Good question you ask, "who would I be without my issues, etc??"

    I asked that recently about winter. Who would I be if I lived in sunny California all my life? I'm hoping that my liquid vitamin D will help me get a glimpse of the answer to that next year.


  2. Oh Cindy I have been thinking about you all weekend! I'm sending you all my positive energy and love and healing! You are amazing and very brave to talk about all this so openly.

    Btw, if you're into the energy stuff I would look into The Emotion Code by Bradley Nelson. I like it better than tapping because you don't have to bring up and relive emotions. You just clear them. It is amazing! I think ThinkFirst from the DYT board is an Emotion Code practitioner, or certified at it or something if you have questions!

    Please, please take care of yourself! We want you healthy and happy again!! :D

  3. I've pondered whether to say this, and decided I will. The idea that when we were children we were whole and undamaged is just a lie from the pit o'hell. We have never known what it's like to have a body and mind free from the inherited damaged DNA passed down by our father Adam. We will never be completely free from "this body of death" as Paul puts it, until we see Christ face to face. Your longing to be free and whole is natural, but it will never be fully realized until that day.

  4. Dear Anonymous, I wish you'd left your name, but I understand why you didn't.

    I can appreciate your thoughts, and fully understand where you are coming from, although I no longer subscribe to this theology. For me...and I realize NOT for many, many others...that type of belief system damaged my ability to truly love myself and Spirit. The best label I can think of as to what I am right now is 'agnostic', I suppose, though there are hundreds of translations on what that is! I will say I attend a Mennonite church who hold to a very conservative, traditional theology but are very liberal in their politics. I love the older people's experiences and the small community that focus their energy on acts of service, peacemaking, and caring for our neighbor with no strings attached.

    I should someday do a post about my spiritual journey, as it's taken many rabbit trails since leaving the conservative, evangelical mindset I'd been in for 25+ years. It would perhaps help others such as yourself better understand where I'm coming from, even if you disagree. :)

    Thanks for writing. I appreciate your reading my ole bloggy. :) I hope my ramblings don't offend, as that's not my intention. I'm just trying to work out my thoughts on the keyboard and not trying to convince others 'my way or the highway'.

    peace to you.


I'm all ears! Er, eyes.