What would I be like without the stress and strain of a diseased mind and body?
I cannot get this out of my mind. Mostly because I realize I don't really know. Geneen Roth speaks about getting in touch with the unbroken, whole self...the way were were as children before we were so uber-aware of ourselves. Before the messages of self-hate began chipping away at our 'being' and we started the dance of 'doing' in order to fix the broken places. (I'll be writing more about this when I get to Chapter 5: Beyond What is Broken) Focusing solely on what's wrong instead of what's already perfect. That whole person is still inside us, still a part of us, and comes shining out in our 'being' moments. Carol Tuttle also talked recently about the difference of 'being' and 'doing' regarding living true to our Energy Type. I suppose it's what I'd call the 'essence' of myself...the distilled, unencumbered self.
If I could magically strip away the weight, health, emotional and mental issues that plague me, what would be left? What identity would I find? Don't get me wrong, I'm learning to love and cherish all the parts that make 'me', well, 'me' as I walk thru this physical realm. But it appears I live much of my life too aware of all the things I'd like to change or need to change. I posted on the T-Tapp forums this morning that it can be difficult learning to live in the present tense when you're body isn't functioning up to par....I feel held back.
What would it look like if I awoke in the morning without the aching, numbing pain in my back or the physical exhaustion that dogs me? What reality could I create without the burdens of my issues? Again, I'm not saying burdens and suffering are bad....they bring to light all manner of truth and pathways to healing and wholeness if you let them. But I sorta feel like my maladies define ME. And often dictate how I spend my time and (little) energy. And yet, I can't really get a picture or sense of my 'self' apart from the needed and necessary tasks of getting healthy. What's left when everything is 'fixed'?
It's a hairball, for sure. I don't want my identity, my 'essence' to be "she who is always fixing herself" or "she who has weight and depression issues". I'd much rather know who "she" simply IS. How 'bout "she who is light and bounce and air and fun....who just happens to live in a pretty incredible physical body that gives her grief sometimes" ??? Yeah?
I suppose this is why some people meditate or pray. Something I've never been able to do very well as a Type 1 with thoughts that bounce all over the ding dang landscape of my brain. :) But breathing slowly and deeply...that is something I am learning to do. It brings me back to the present. And all the 'extras' sorta get fuzzied out of focus to the periphery.
I shall try to quiet myself today and breath deep and slow...then think about images of myself from my childhood....happy ones where I lived in a world of imaginary play, before I knew I had bigger-than-average thighs and I was going to be a famous tennis star wholloping the ball over the net or an Olympic figure skater in a sassy feathered and tulle costume or Barbara Streisand belting it out in front of untold crowds or Cinderella being rescued by her handsome prince.
Thank you for the kind comments yesterday. My inbox is full of folks waiting for responses from me, but I must be honest....I don't have the energy to give to it. Perhaps selfish on my part, but there it is. I hope you understand. I'm so glad some of this resonates with you, and I hope it pushes you a bit further in discovering who YOU are. This blog is about chronicling my life journey, both for my own encouragement and satisfaction as well as encouragement to others journeying the same path...whether now or in the future. Which brings me to one of my favorite quotes:
I took the path less travelled....now where the hell am I?