Navigating.

Two years ago at this time I attempted to T-Tapp and Eat to Live my way to better health.  I lost a bit, but again lost motivation after my daughter's wedding.  Some of the blogs I'll post are from that time.  It's actually been really good to go back and read them because they act as motivators, warnings, and reminders.  Anyway, here was one that I found particularly interesting as I'm facing holiday gorging full on.....

Some 'aha moments'.....while waiting for everyone to fill their plates with the plethora of tasty items crowding the counter at my sister's place, I took some deep breaths and kept smiling.  I filled my plate last, slowly choosing the healthiest items (mostly the veggies I brought) and went to find a seat.  Every seat in the house at every table was full.  For some reason, I almost broke down and cried.  I was just teetering on self pity before that, and the full seats and full plates and laughter really hit me hard, and I felt completely isolated.  It felt just like the way I began to feel at the end of my last diet program.  Alone, weird, emotionally hungry.  I was pretty scared. 

Thankfully my brother in law noticed quickly and brought me an extra chair, and the weirdness passed.  I didn't enjoy my food though.  Hard to see everyone indulging while I ate rabbit food.  I ended up not finishing, and later found my self ravinous.....and ate several cookies. 

Next morning I awoke and realized that things weren't going according to plan  (plan being a loose term with my family of origin, I had forgotten).  I found myself sitting around bored waiting for my parents....and I got pretty testy.  I was wanting to get home, and couldn't.  I wanted to eat a plate of cookies (my sister was currently sitting with an entire tupperware container of cookies on her lap, licking her fingers full of sparkly sugar and icing).  I wanted to rant and rave.  So I indulged in some of that instead and managed to make everyone around me miserable too.  I hate that.  

So much of my self-love thru food is tied to my insecurities.  I was again in touch, loud and clear, with those feelings of isolation, non-importance, and guilt that were constant invisible bullies for so many of us growing up.  I felt like I had gone WAAAY out of my way once again to please everyone else, keep everyone on an even kilter, and be a help in any way I could.....and I got nothing in return.  So, needless to say, I'm excited I didn't just eat my way thru Indianapolis, Carmel, and Fishers on my way out of town.  When we got home (finally), I sat down and had a 4 more cookies.  They tasted like love, and I let them soothe me.  But it didn't become compulsive, negative, or defeating.  Just comfort food, used appropriately for a change.  A salad or carrot stick just wouldn't have cut it.  

Stress definitely drives me to food.  I want to engage my senses to numb or avoid or block the uncomfies that crash into my life. Food is such an integral part of family celebrations, and it should be.  But I prolly should've planned better and brought more selection for myself.  I mean seriously, when my sis in law began adding vanilla vodka to her marshmallow/sour cream/fruit salad, I knew it was time to leave the room. :o)   I'm good with that.

I'm  gonna work really hard to stay focused on the health aspects, not the weight/size part.  I struggle with the 'legalism' part of this....but continually tell myself that eating healthy is caring for myself in a new way, and that by changing my bad habits, I will eventually be able to 'cheat' now and then without going overboard.  T-Tapp has a Godmade/Manmade eating plan that looks very doable and realistic....I may look into that.  We'll see. 

It's all about not feeling 'deprived' because that feels like punishment.  If I feel like I'm punishing myself, then this whole dealio ain't gonna work. I know I'll struggle a bit over the next couple weeks because of holiday celebrations....and there'll be FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD all over the place.  It will be a difficult mind game ....not sure I'm up for the challenge.  I'm hoping to learn from repeated experience that gorging won't bring satisfaction.