Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Bit of History.

It's a sordid tale, but one I'm sure many can relate with.

Previously, in the fall of 2004, I had lost about 25 pounds on WW, taking an awful long time to do it.  When I plateaued, I became discouraged and stumbled upon the Fat Flush Plan in early 2005.  Using that, I lost another 25 pounds, but again, my weight loss was extremely slow compared to others.

Here's some pictures from that time:
These were size 16 pants, and they were pretty droopy by this point.
Pretty Type 1, eh?

80's party...I was Cyndi Lauper :)
Definitely a Type 1 outfit!

At my lowest weight: 160.  Still wanted to lose 20 more, but never got there.
Again, Type 1 bathing suit!  

Kind of a T-Tapp stance, yeah? And a totally Type 1 picture!
Obviously my sister is built like the other side of the family...

I remember I had begun binge eating again at this point, and was feeling really bad about myself,
 yet looking from this vantage point I think I looked rather good!
Interestingly, I'm dressed more as Type 4 here, and spent alot of time criticizing myself.

Although Fat Flush was working, the protocols became laborsome, expensive, and isolating.  I *did* feel very good physically on the plan, though, having left my headaches and sluggishness behind.  My physical cravings for 'bad' food were nixed, but as time went on, the emotional cravings became too loud.  Once my motivation (my son's upcoming wedding) had arrived and past, it was difficult to stay on the program, and I found myself 'cheating' a bit more all the time.  The 25 pounds quickly returned (almost as quickly as it was lost).  

This experience left me with a bitter taste for all diet/lifestyle plans, obviously.  As I begin yet another lifestyle change,  I have to work hard to still that negative chatter inside.....the 'yeah, buts' and the 'this is alot likes' and 'can't do it long terms'. 

I am again reading "When Food Is Love" by Geneen Roth each day.  It will be alot like whiplash, but I feel it will bring reality and balance to this journey.  Being a female who has admittedly lost and gained over 500 pounds in her lifetime, I tend to place quite a bit of stock into her advice.  Her biggest point of contention in any diet plan is this:  for those of us who learned to comfort ourselves with food, for whatever reason, restricting ourselves in that area will usually feel punishing and shaming....and for that reason, they fail.  This has certainly been the case with me thru the years.

Breaking our addiction to food must be replaced, LOVINGLY, understanding our need to be comforted and loved unconditionally.  Part of my journey into my current obesity was letting go of the need to shame myself for my 'lack of control' and understand I feed myself to care for myself.  Learning to have grace for myself has had some positive effect emotionally....but I'm also feeling physically drained by my lack of boundaries.  There's a balance in there somewhere I know......

What I will attempt to do, then, is try to keep my brain focused on how the simple tasks of preparing healthy foods for myself IS a loving thing to do....and to find comfort and affirmation thru taking the time to lovingly prepare meals for myself that will (hopefully) taste good and restore health and energy.  I need to see my food choices as the ultimate way to love myself. 

I really like that I'm able to look ahead feel excitement about this new path before me, while keeping realistic understanding of why I do the things I do!
"Blessed are the cracked; For it is they who let in the light"  

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