Monday, December 27, 2010

Still Pondering Being Present and the Roll of Comfort.

Something that has really jumped out at me the last couple days specifically  is that the better I can stay focused on the present moment, the less likely I am to grab whatever food is in front of me.....and there's been a lot of food in my line of vision!  I have caught myself *almost* involuntarily grabbing food just sitting there and popping it in my mouth.  

Geneen Roth talks about compulsives like myself having actual *fear* of the thing that they're compulsive about.  The thought that "once I start, I won't be able to stop" is terrifying to we who wrestle with compulsion.  We know from experience.  I'm trying to be respectful of that weakness in myself, yet gracious for when I over indulge.  Again, having one roll would have been fine, but my fear that I wouldn't stop at one pushed me to ask for Hubby's help.  

Along that line, I have been wondering about that *need* to keep eating something past satiation.  To eat every cookie left, to lick the icing off the cake plate, to finish off the last of (fill in the blank).  For me, it feels like something is left undone, when so much of my life (for instance, raising kids) is never-ending.  The satisfaction comes partly, I think, not from physically feeling full, but emotionally feeling 'finished'.   Feeling that is comforting to me.  

The other comfort has to do with that 'can't stop' thing I mentioned above.  If there are no more (cookies/french fries, cheese cubes) left, they can't 'talk' to me.  They can't taunt me.  In a sick way, *that* puts me in control.  So long as those goodies are sitting around, it feels like *they* are in the driver's seat.  Staying present for me today, meant stopping the conversation by asking for help.  Something I hope I'll be able to continue.......BUT, don't let me catch hubby removing 'scary' food without my permission!  That takes away all my control!  Is this a good thing?  Hmmmmm.....

So. What else am I hungry for?  

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