This is much harder than I expected, and I find myself wishing I could disappear back into my black drapey clothes and kicking myself for cutting my hair. I feel pretty vulnerable and raw. Have gone on several shopping jaunts, and feeling limited not just by my chroma and fabrication and such, but by my weight. Wearing bright colors when you're overweight is like putting sequins on an elephant. I really don't like drawing attention to my body/self.
Anybody else like this? It's hard enough to find appropriate clothing in plus sizes, but limiting everything down to our Type 1 'rules' is making it even more difficult to dress myself. I want to find freedom NOW, and not have to work for it. Going to the mall isn't very helpful with skinny salesgirls and trends displayed on all the size 0 mannequins who look awesome even with no faces. Maybe I need to read Carol's "Remembering Wholeness" and just get over myself.
Sorry for the bummer post. Hopefully I can dig deep and find that Type 1 chick hidden away and draw her out again. Maybe I can coax her with chocolate. Or some Little Debbie Oatmeal Cakes. Either way.
Hey beautiful!
ReplyDeleteNo... I'm not just saying that, you ARE beautiful. Sequins on an elephant?? Hardly!!
You just haven't learned to see through to your true self yet. That's not something to beat yourself up about, it's something to embrace & strive towards. I know I've only 'known' you a very short time, but I think you are so awesome! You put such a smile on my face every time I read your posts. :o)
You haven't read Remembering Wholeness yet? Well, I promised you loving bluntness and brutal honesty... if you want to make DYT truly work, then you NEED to read that book. What you are currently trying to do is the equivalent of walking out the front door right this very second & trying to run a 100 mile marathon without doing any training to prepare yourself.
Right now, right this very second, would you be angry that you can run a marathon that huge? Would you give up because it's too hard? Of course not because right now you, like ME... would know that while being a larger size (which I am as well, so I can say this stuff!! :oP ), not having a massive level of fitness, etc, etc trying to run that race would be near impossible.
If either of us were to do it, we would begin with strengthening ourselves, working through the steps needed to build ourselves up to beginning running.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing at ALL wrong with you doing DYT already, but you are missing some of the foundations that enable you to achieve it more successfully.
Remembering Wholeness was an amazing journey for me. 12 months ago I was virtually wheelchair bound. I could not walk due to crippling spondyloarthritis & I had chronic depression. Not only was I on chemotherapy, but all together I was taking 140 pills a WEEK just to survive.
January last year my long term wheelchair was delivered to me. February, I started reading Remembering Wholeness. By March I was notin a wheelchair,By April I was no longer taking a single pill & was walking up to 5km at a time and for the first time in my entire life, was finding true JOY in living. I no longer had suicidal thought or attempts. I stopped self harming and my life, for the first time in as long as I can remember had begun to have true meaning.
Cindy, you have 2 choices... and you are free to choose either one at any given time in your path through life.
1) Keep telling yourself you have depression, keep feeding into the depressive cycle that tells you you can't like yourself because of weight, you can't survive without pills, etc etc, etc.
Yep, I know that one *all too well* I chose to feed into that role for most of my life because it was safe to be the victim. it worked for me.
OR...
2) Start reading Remembering Wholeness. Follow your gut feelings as to how or what to do while reading. Embrace the parts of the book that raise issues that hurt and see it as a chance to work through the core issues that are keeping you in that depressive cycle.
Use the techniques in the book as stepping stones to find the true, real, gorgeous Cindy that is hidden deeply beneath the issues.
If you can't afford the monthly subscription (like I couldn't) then create a way to set aside 3 days in which to go through as many of Carol's clearing sessions online as possible using her 3 day trial.
I love the things Carol has shown us in her books, clearing sessions online, etc. But the thing to remember is they are a stepping stone. She is not God, she doesn't know everything, BUT... she truly does teach some good things that can make an AMAZING difference if used in the right way.
Follow your heart, use your gut feelings to know where your path will take you, and read Remembering Wholeness. All the pieces that are missing in your path will fall into place & if you *truly* want it.... you will break free of depression & find a joy you have never known before. I'm living proof that it can be done. :o)
Cindy,
ReplyDeleteHave you been getting ANY positive responses when you dress your type one truth? If so, and I suspect that is the case because you look awesome(!), write them down, start reading them outloud to yourself like a daily affirmation. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how bright and sparkly you look.
I weighed 245 pounds this morning. No matter how I dress, that number is going to stay the same. I can pretend I look smaller or more invisible in drab, black drapey garments, or I can be brutally honest with myself. Look at my all black before and my type one after. I weigh exactly the same in both photos. I feel much better in my type one truth photos.
Someone told me recently I am like the sun shining brightly after a few rainy days. In you before photo you look like the rainy days. In your after photos, you look like the sun! Beautiful. Don't go to the malls. Thrift stores can be much mre forgiving...
~Gail
*Mish*
ReplyDeleteThanks oodles and oodles for writing all that for me. As I mentioned before I've ordered the book and am looking forward to working thru it....
Your story is amazing! So inspirational!!! I've longed to be free from my chronic severe depression for so many years. You give me true HOPE that i may not have to take those meds forever.
*Gail*
I've had a few comments, but mostly they comment on my clothes, not *me*. I've also had some weird looks, like they were pitying me because of my choice of clothes. I realize not everyone is going to understand a women who won't kneel before the throne of fashion, but I still feel a bit self-concious in public, looking all happy and confident ('cause I don't feel that way inside very much). I like your idea of writing those nice things down and re-reading them to myself. :)