Here's what's happening. I'm fighting depression. As usual. I've overloaded on trying to Live and Dress my Truth, and it's feeling hard. And that makes me depressed. I'm realizing how easily I fall back into the familiar territory of self-judgement and self-hate. Over-analyzing and fretting over everything. The negatives of my secondaries 4 and 2 kick in, and I lose touch with my dominant 1.
This is much harder than I expected, and I find myself wishing I could disappear back into my black drapey clothes and kicking myself for cutting my hair. I feel pretty vulnerable and raw. Have gone on several shopping jaunts, and feeling limited not just by my chroma and fabrication and such, but by my weight. Wearing bright colors when you're overweight is like putting sequins on an elephant. I really don't like drawing attention to my body/self.
Anybody else like this? It's hard enough to find appropriate clothing in plus sizes, but limiting everything down to our Type 1 'rules' is making it even more difficult to dress myself. I want to find freedom NOW, and not have to work for it. Going to the mall isn't very helpful with skinny salesgirls and trends displayed on all the size 0 mannequins who look awesome even with no faces. Maybe I need to read Carol's "Remembering Wholeness" and just get over myself.
Sorry for the bummer post. Hopefully I can dig deep and find that Type 1 chick hidden away and draw her out again. Maybe I can coax her with chocolate. Or some Little Debbie Oatmeal Cakes. Either way.