Friday, April 16, 2010

Finding freedom....the ongoing process.

I went thru the Type 1 section again in It's Just My Nature and took notes on several things.  My intent was to notice what things about a Type 1 WEREN'T manifesting in me because of my own judgements.  It was a great exercise, and revealed to me several interesting things....and has allowed me to let go of other things....

I started with the words Carol used to describe a Type 1 energy:
Upward, light, random, 
disconnected, buoyant, free, 
crisp, bright, non-structured, 
spontaneous, brilliant, upbeat.

I asked the question, "Which of these words need 'revived' in my life?"  I know we aren't all things in our Types, but there are certainly things that I remember being a part of my life that aren't now.  I was kind of offended by the word 'disconnected', for instance because for me that means I'm shallow and don't go deep in my relationships with others and myself.  I'm still not completely sure what Carol meant in using that word, but I think I remember something about the ability to connect quickly and disconnect quickly.  That sounds better....and would certainly describe me.  But I used to feel 'less than' because of this.  Like I wasn't serious enough, or too spazzy to stay connected.  NOW that I know it's just a part of being a Type 1, I can let myself off the hook!  It's also an asset in situations like my doula work, where the intensity can spill over to my everyday life.  My ability to walk away and adjust to my regular life would be much more difficult if I couldn't disconnect from the emotion of a woman's birth experience.  Especially if it was negative.

Next I noted the Dominant Quality: Cheerfully lifting us up to feel more fun and hope.

I asked myself, "In what circumstances do I find myself naturally doing this?  Where do I need to do this more?  What circumstances trigger me to feel hopeless?"

Wow.  This was a biggie for me.  I've struggled with depression my entire life.  I've taken meds for the last 15 years, which I hate doing, but realize I need them for the sake of my kids.  I can't 'cheerfully lift' people without them.  Which I pretty much hate.  Personally I struggle the most with feeling hopeless, and though I can help others feel renewed hope, I fail miserably clinging to hope within myself.  A constant battle.  How do I give my own gifts to myself?  This is the question I'm still wrestling with since discovering my Type 1 energy.  I know feeling 'boxed in' triggers deep depression and hopelessness for me.  That 'boxed in' feeling can come thru limited resources (money, time, energy), relationships, and my physical surroundings.  Winter is brutal for me, and I'd move south in a minute if hubby didn't love his job so much. 

Other things I wrote in reaction to the above questions:
What activities will help me move back into my Type 1 nature?  Movement--exercise, going out shopping, visiting/calling friends.  These things no longer come easy to me.  They feel out of my 'comfort zone'.  Why?  I've hidden myself from others out of shame about my weight, shame about my spiritual journey, and generally feeling different than or invisible to others.  I might try to be conscious of my natural NEED for light movement, light cheerful convos, and fun trips.  I gravitate toward brooding, and that needs balanced by more random, spontaneous movement and thought.  Distractions can be a very good thing!

'Nother Question:
Why did I feel the need early on to put a cap on my excitement about things?  I remember guarding myself against disappointment.  It's become a (bad) habit to squelch my own excitement about things, to keep my expectations realistic.....but what happens is the experience then often becomes a huge downer, like a self-fulfilled prophecy.  It will be mediocre at best because I expected it to be mediocre.  I often lament the fact that the only strong emotions I ever feel are sadness and anger.  Other strong emotions I keep at arm's distance.  They pretty much terrify me, which for a Type 1 is a bit wrong, wouldn't you say? Somethin' ain't right!  Need to do some more digging, then go out shopping :)

I have lots more, but don't want to overwhelm you!  What 'oh, NOW I get it' moments have you had in getting back in touch with your Energy Type?  As a 1, for instance, what qualities that should come naturally have taken a back seat and need to be put back into the driver's seat?

I'm all ears....


  1. More thoughts for you *grin* Read my response to the next post before this one as I wrote that one first! LOL

    This time, since I lectured you in the other post *giggle* I'm going to quote your comments and respond to those directly.

    " I was kind of offended by the word 'disconnected', for instance because for me that means I'm shallow and don't go deep in my relationships with others and myself."

    Here, you're reading too deeply into the word disconnected. Type 1's connect and disconnect from activities, relationships, etc quickly, however that does not automatically mean we are shallow.

    We fall in love quickly... but it is with every part of our heart & soul be it with people, clothing, activities, anything we love, we love so quickly, we don't mess around with hum-ing and ha-ing. When something in life goes wrong, we mourn our loss but heal quickly - IF we are being true to ourself. Disconnected sounds negative, but it's not, it is such a freeing thing to be able to heal quickly, yet care quickly as well.

    "I've struggled with depression my entire life. I've taken meds for the last 15 years, which I hate doing, but realize I need them for the sake of my kids."

    Ok... currently, yes... you feel you need them, but do you want to be free of that need or do you want to hold onto it? As I said in my above response, there are ways to heal completely from depression if you truly want it. It is an AMAZING thing to heal from it, it truly is.

    To do this you have to recognise that our depression comes from our inner core beliefs about ourselves. Deep down there is a part of us that enables us to feel we are not worth healing. We continue to follow the depression path because after years & years of doing it, we feel safe and secure.

    The victim role that comes with being able to blame depression for things is comfortable and familiar. It lets us keep from searching for our true selves because if we can blame depression, then wow!! We're off the hook! We don't have to work on sorting ourselves out.

    You don't need to follow this path, you truly don't! You are amazingly, incredibly more than that!! It just takes time to learn how to recognise that.

    "I've hidden myself from others out of shame about my weight, shame about my spiritual journey, and generally feeling different than or invisible to others."

    Shame is a way to keep from healing. It is a tool that again, enables us to keep to that victim role that feels so safe and familiar. There is no need for shame in anything. Your spiritual journey comment leads me to believe you are religious, but I am not sure what you believe.

    I know without a doubt that God does not move from us. In things where we perceive ourselves as having sinned or as lacking, he has already forgiven us before we even fully find the courage to turn to him in repentance or confidence.

    if our Father in Heaven.... who is the ultimate in true perfection, can forgive us and love us irrespective of our issues, mistakes or choices... why do we not? It is not a case of not being as good as he is... it is a case of trusting him. DO we truly trust him in everything he tells us? If we do, then it is our job to hand our shame, hurt and angst back to him and to let go of it.

    Carol's CD about clearing the issues that are keeping you fat, the one on clearing childhood issues.... actually, quite a few more as well, are brilliant for helping you work through this stuff. They really make a difference.

  2. "Other strong emotions I keep at arm's distance. They pretty much terrify me, which for a Type 1 is a bit wrong, wouldn't you say? "

    For a type 1 who knows how to be true to herself.... yes, a bit wrong. For a type 1 who has suffered depression long term... nope, not wrong at all, it's understandable. Depression bring familiarity to negative emotions. They're frequently what we delve into in that circumstance so over time they become what our body and spirit find "safe".

    Joy, happiness, excitement, exuberance.... these kinds of emotions become so rare that they're no longer familiar.

    If you were to get on a plane that dropped you off in the middle of a city you had never been to before,where you did not know the language or where anything was, you'd feel uncomfortable as you wouldn't know where to go or how to act, speak, etc.

    Same thing in this situation. These feelings are unfamiliar to you currently. As you work through underlying issues, these emotions will become more familiar and you will be able to move forward and experience them more & more.

    You can do it Cindy! Just take it easy on yourself.... baby steps my friend, baby steps!

  3. Me again. I feel up when I visit your blog - sorry you are down right now.

    I interpreted "disconnected" in a fun sort of way. Remember connect the dots? A type 2,3, or 4 would definitely start at A or whatever the first dot is and progress on to the next dot until they finish IN ORDER. A type one doesn't HAVE to start at the very beginning. We could start halfway and finish and then go back and do the beginning - a very disconnected sort of way, but it gets it done, nonetheless.
    We don't have to follow the rules to be successful, our own drummer and all that...

  4. It is so nice to have other Type 1's share their 'one-ness' on here, as it helps reflect back to me the truth of who I was meant to be. 'Tis awesome :)

    Mish, I'm taking baby steps to distance myself from the familiarity of depressive emotions and feelings. So much of my reaction to life is default to depression, hopelessness and anger. Sooooo tired of that!

    Thanks for cheering me on guys! Little did I know that the right 'medicine' was going to be a group of people called 'Bright and Animated'! How perfect :)


I'm all ears! Er, eyes.