Really struggling.

EDITED April 2012:  This post was written 9 months before the next most current post just above.  I gave up, beat myself up, and f.i.n.a.l.l.y hit bottom.  Just didn't want anyone reading from one post to the next to get the feeling I'm more psycho than I already am.  But truly, I'm ok with that.

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In the last few weeks I can feel myself slip sliding away into my familiar, cozy depressed world....the one I've lived in for most of my life.  The difference now, though, is that I find it nearly impossible to put on a good face for everyone else while I mire away in the abyss of my negative thoughts. I'm just not a very pleasant person to be around.  I'm pretty sick of me.

Strange how people can read 'facts' so differently.  The facts I see are as follows:
Over 7 months of mindful eating (not perfectly), consistent workouts (not perfectly), positive behaviors like starting this blog, hundreds of dollars in suppliments and alternative products, and courageous attempts to control the stress in my life have left me only 1.75 inches smaller around my bloated abdominals and hips.  That translates to about 1.5 sizes.  I look like a penguin.  Penguins don't look cute in anything.

Conclusion: I cannot lose weight.  T-Tapp doesn't work for me.  Evidently eating daily green smoothies and ginormous salads doesn't work for me either.  If I don't eat enough calories, I get fat.  If I eat too may calories, I get fat.  If I wake up in the morning, I get fat.  See a pattern?

I'm physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted, and I decided to throw in the towel for now.  Staying on the straight and narrow hasn't bought me much that I can measure, and I just want my damn ice cream.  I'm not any closer to wearing the cute clothes or doing a full T-Tapp workout or learning to eat what my body wants, and I honestly can't 'manifest' or see it in my future anymore.

I suppose what this means is that I'll be going back on my anti-depression meds to cope, diabetes meds to control my blood sugar, and elastic waist baggie black pants to breathe.  I will thankfully be able to just shop at the dollar general again for those luxuries like, um, regular shampoo and deodorant.  I'll be stocking up on the extra strength excedrine for the migraines and restless leg syndrome.  Might be adding a script for a sleep aid too since I can't seem to get a normal night's rest.  Oh and something for the acid reflux, a small price to pay for my drug of choice....chocolate!  Oh how I've missed you my dear friend....

I'll be scheduling that hysterectomy soon too I 'spose.  I'm terrified of the surgery, but I'm sure I'll make it thru like every other women does. At least I won't have a hard pregnancy-like bulge sticking out.  Instead it will be jiggly and easier to tuck into the aforementioned black stretchy pants.

At least I won't feel like I'm working against the tide coming constantly against me.  It's one thing to feel gross physically and mentally and know why....it's another thing completely to work your bloody ass off for months and see things actually get worse.  I just can't take it anymore.  I can't read one more 'Yes You Can!' testimonial, read one more 'I started dressing my truth and life is all butterflies and rainbows!' or 'I just started loving myself enough to only eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full, so now I'm thin!' revelation.  They've become taunts.  I've always been less than, trying to be equal to or even more than my potential is just too hard.  I can't 'tweak' one more thing in my life.  It's become a life of fear....don't eat that or else you'll send your blood sugar thru the roof, don't wear that color or you'll block your energy and be miserable, don't use that or you'll poison yourself. Yadda yadda.  There are too many 'can'ts' in my life and I'm tired looking for the 'cans'....I need my drugs, my foods, for some respite from the downers and I need to dump the stress of going 'all natural'....it doesn't seem to be working anyway.

So, I'll be closing up shop here.  I think it's great that T-Tapp, Dressing Your Truth, and Geneen Roth's work has helped so many become happy and content with themselves, but I just don't think happiness and contentedness is in the cards for me in this life.  I gave it my all, but it just wasn't enough.  I chanced change for a last time this last year, and I don't have it in me to try again.

Thanks for reading these past months.  I hoped I could inspire (or at least entertain) with my journey to peace and balance and wholeness.  I'm sorry it didn't come to pass.

Namaste.