Thursday, July 28, 2011

Really struggling.

EDITED April 2012:  This post was written 9 months before the next most current post just above.  I gave up, beat myself up, and f.i.n.a.l.l.y hit bottom.  Just didn't want anyone reading from one post to the next to get the feeling I'm more psycho than I already am.  But truly, I'm ok with that.

In the last few weeks I can feel myself slip sliding away into my familiar, cozy depressed world....the one I've lived in for most of my life.  The difference now, though, is that I find it nearly impossible to put on a good face for everyone else while I mire away in the abyss of my negative thoughts. I'm just not a very pleasant person to be around.  I'm pretty sick of me.

Strange how people can read 'facts' so differently.  The facts I see are as follows:
Over 7 months of mindful eating (not perfectly), consistent workouts (not perfectly), positive behaviors like starting this blog, hundreds of dollars in suppliments and alternative products, and courageous attempts to control the stress in my life have left me only 1.75 inches smaller around my bloated abdominals and hips.  That translates to about 1.5 sizes.  I look like a penguin.  Penguins don't look cute in anything.

Conclusion: I cannot lose weight.  T-Tapp doesn't work for me.  Evidently eating daily green smoothies and ginormous salads doesn't work for me either.  If I don't eat enough calories, I get fat.  If I eat too may calories, I get fat.  If I wake up in the morning, I get fat.  See a pattern?

I'm physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted, and I decided to throw in the towel for now.  Staying on the straight and narrow hasn't bought me much that I can measure, and I just want my damn ice cream.  I'm not any closer to wearing the cute clothes or doing a full T-Tapp workout or learning to eat what my body wants, and I honestly can't 'manifest' or see it in my future anymore.

I suppose what this means is that I'll be going back on my anti-depression meds to cope, diabetes meds to control my blood sugar, and elastic waist baggie black pants to breathe.  I will thankfully be able to just shop at the dollar general again for those luxuries like, um, regular shampoo and deodorant.  I'll be stocking up on the extra strength excedrine for the migraines and restless leg syndrome.  Might be adding a script for a sleep aid too since I can't seem to get a normal night's rest.  Oh and something for the acid reflux, a small price to pay for my drug of choice....chocolate!  Oh how I've missed you my dear friend....

I'll be scheduling that hysterectomy soon too I 'spose.  I'm terrified of the surgery, but I'm sure I'll make it thru like every other women does. At least I won't have a hard pregnancy-like bulge sticking out.  Instead it will be jiggly and easier to tuck into the aforementioned black stretchy pants.

At least I won't feel like I'm working against the tide coming constantly against me.  It's one thing to feel gross physically and mentally and know's another thing completely to work your bloody ass off for months and see things actually get worse.  I just can't take it anymore.  I can't read one more 'Yes You Can!' testimonial, read one more 'I started dressing my truth and life is all butterflies and rainbows!' or 'I just started loving myself enough to only eat when I was hungry and stop when I was full, so now I'm thin!' revelation.  They've become taunts.  I've always been less than, trying to be equal to or even more than my potential is just too hard.  I can't 'tweak' one more thing in my life.  It's become a life of fear....don't eat that or else you'll send your blood sugar thru the roof, don't wear that color or you'll block your energy and be miserable, don't use that or you'll poison yourself. Yadda yadda.  There are too many 'can'ts' in my life and I'm tired looking for the 'cans'....I need my drugs, my foods, for some respite from the downers and I need to dump the stress of going 'all natural' doesn't seem to be working anyway.

So, I'll be closing up shop here.  I think it's great that T-Tapp, Dressing Your Truth, and Geneen Roth's work has helped so many become happy and content with themselves, but I just don't think happiness and contentedness is in the cards for me in this life.  I gave it my all, but it just wasn't enough.  I chanced change for a last time this last year, and I don't have it in me to try again.

Thanks for reading these past months.  I hoped I could inspire (or at least entertain) with my journey to peace and balance and wholeness.  I'm sorry it didn't come to pass.



  1. Oh Cindy! I don't think you know how much you inspired me! I love your honesty! I wish there was an easy fix for everything for you ~ I think I already mentioned to you once that I've been working my butt off to lose weight for about two years now and am much in the same boat as you~a whole lot of nothin' goin' on! So I understand where you're coming from. You are a brave woman and I will miss your updates!

  2. You know, as one overweight woman to another, I get it. I really do. I do the "all or nothing" approach, too. I've done it, done it and done it to death if I'm going to be honest. All my adult life.
    But a few weeks ago, I thought~ why I can't just pick two things, just two, and work on that? Like~no more than 6 teaspoons of sugar a day and walk 2 miles a day. I think that would be better than nothing. So that's what I'm doing. I might not see a huge change on the outside, but there have to be some benefits somewhere, right? (BTW, I can see a big change in you! It might not be as much as you wanted, but even just from the pictures, it's there)
    And as far as the hysterectomy goes, it was THE biggest present I ever gave myself. It's so freeing! I kept the ovaries, but the uterus had to go. I've never missed it for even one minute! The recovery can be long, I won't lie about that. But even before I fully recovered, I still felt so much better.

  3. Oh Cindy, I'm on the same track. Everything I've tried this year (vegan) has not helped me to lose weight. I walked for two miles a day and lost inches but not pounds, so discouraging. I take antidepressants and have for fifteen years or more and have no intention of giving them up. ever. I remember the hopeless feelings and the anger that I had and so I refuse to go back to those feelings. I'm just going to eat whatever the heck I want and look however I look. Life's too short to stress about the outside, the inside is what really counts. God bless you!

  4. Cindy! I've been thinking about this a little more. I don't think you should totally give up yet. Get back on your depression meds and get yourself balanced with that again and then re-evaluate. I know from experience it can make a huge difference on your outlook. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

  5. You are honest. You are tough enough to take on a challenge. And I too have seen a difference in you. Don't beat yourself up. You are inspiring just by your honesty. I have to work really, really hard to lose weight and like you I don't have the ability to maintain. Life gets in the way. Sometimes, it's one day at a time just to survive. I know. You are not alone. You are brave. You are strong and you are a real woman and that in itself is refreshing. Do not self destruct. But live well and full and seek your own happiness not that of others or that which others think yours should be. Hope this helps, will miss you. Hugs always, Mandy

  6. I've never posted on your blog before but I've found my way here several times and everytime I enjoy reading, learning and am amazed at your flair for putting together such cute outfits!

    You are a beautiful woman... You are talented and creative and well,... you do NOT look like a penguin ;) although I think penguins are cute... LOL

    Plateaus are so hard to deal with in weight loss and exercise results... stick with it, maybe do a bootcamp with ttapp or something? Hang in there girl, you've done some amazing things! I am prayin' for you to find your way out of the funk and back into the sunlight!

  7. I have never posted before either (and perhaps I am too late for you to see this) but I wanted to make sure that I thanked you for the effort you put into this blog. I am selfish and I don't want to see you go, but I also think you are right to want to stop living in fear. I related quite a bit to what you said in this post. Give up on the systems, but don't give up on yourself. Best Wishes.

  8. Hi Cindy,

    I stumbled onto your Cottage Instincts blog a while back and then recently looked at this blog site. You got me interested in Dressing Your Truth. I've really enjoyed checking out your great clothing and accessory finds.
    I think you look really great and the thing that is especially refreshing,is that you are not a size 2 (at least I'm guessing you aren't a size 2). As women we all seem to want to be smaller, firmer, but Cindy you are beautiful and that shines through no matter what you weigh.

    I rarely post on a blog so I can't imagine the work that goes into writing a blog but I hope you reconsider quitting- cause I, like many others, would miss you.


  9. Yes, you have inspired and delighted me! I'm saddened to hear that you are struggling right now because you really do brighten my days with your posts. I too think you look really great and love seeing your 'What I'm wearing posts'. Take care!

  10. I just found your blog...from a post on a t-tapp forum where you posted your four month progress photos. you look amazing! you're pretty anyway - but you've done so well!

    I then read this post and was sad to hear of your struggle..... you've come to mind a lot today.

    I'm very new (one week) to t-tapp and have been perusing the forums... found this mention of plateaus just now....

    "My size losses went like this:

    January 2007 to August 2007--22W to a 16 misses--4 sizes
    August 2007 to February 2008--nothing!
    March 2008--1 size down to a 14
    April 2008--1 size down to a 12
    One YEAR later, April 2009--1 size down to a 10
    Nearly another YEAR later, March 2010--1 size down to an 8"

    it's from here:*Not*-Always-a-Bad-Thing!

    thought it might encourage you.

    hang in there and do what is best for you!
    we're cheering you on!

    As you can see, I did not lose lose lose lose and hit my goal within a year or two. And as most of you know, my "weight loss" does not reflect my inch/size loss very well! (Last I checked, it was around 143--only 32 pounds yet 168 inches!)

  11. Wow, your honesty and courage shine through here. Take a break. I can't help but encourage you to keep T-Tapping at least a little just for the health benefits. But it's okay to take time to rest and restore emotionally and mentally in your journey. Be who YOU are, not who someone else tells you to be. Turn off the input for a while if you need to so you can rest and clear your head. I really hope we *see* you again. Don't forget you've encouraged others with your story. Sending love and prayers,

  12. Oh girl - I love you and you know it. I'm sitting here hurting so bad for you. You know the transformation I'm doing now really has so little to do with food, and more with acceptance and gratitude. I hope that you can take it easier on yourself. You are truly one of the most wonderful, gifted people I know. Be at peace. Everything is working out perfectly. I pray that you can see yourself through the eyes that we all see you with. xo

  13. "I'm physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted, and I decided to throw in the towel for now. Staying on the straight and narrow hasn't bought me much that I can measure, and I just want my damn ice cream.".... I can so relate to this part of your post. I think I ate a gallon of ice cream all by myself this past week. It sure was good...and I tried not to feel guilty afterwards. I liked reading your blog and could so relate to you on many levels. You are real ...kinda like the bunny in the story I can't think of the name of now. Sorry things look bleak now...I'm right there with you, but somehow just sharing this makes me feel more human too! One day and one thought at a time!

  14. Cindy,
    I am so sorry you are feeling so down. Do you have a T-Tapp trainer in your area? Have you done a video review? Something to think about when you are ready to try T-Tapp again.

    I think the #1 most important thing right now is not T-Tapp, but having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He loves you Cindy, and wants you to trust in Him. He can give you the peace that you are longing for and the assurance of where you will spend all eternity, the hope of glory. God sent His Son to die for YOU.

    For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
    John 3:16

    It is through Jesus only that we can have everlasting peace and joy :)

    I'm praying for YOU! :)

  15. Cindy, you probably wrote this blog because you have a gift when it comes to expressing yourself, and you enjoy writing. So please don't give up on this, even if you give up on trying to be a spokesmodel for one system or another. I guarantee your readers want to hear from you, whether you can "inspire" them to lose weight/tap their way to heaven/dress nice. You obviously have a gift to look inward with a razor-sharp eye and report what you see there. So please keep writing.

  16. Hi Cindy,
    You look so beautiful in all your pictures. I can't believe you are a mother of 6+ and that you found time for all of these endeavours. Please know that many of us have enjoyed reading your blog and even if you don't a) lose as much weight as you hope to or b) tap your way to heaven as Blake says, we all go through struggles and we can all relate to what you are going through! Thanks for writing, and hope to hear more from you!

  17. HI Cindy,
    I just came across this post as I was looking for your twine photos. (I am reading about photography and trying to catch up with the course.) Wow, I have tons of questions to ask you about blogging! (Secretly wishing that you were my neighbor.)
    Anyway, what I wanted to say, in response to this post, is that I can't even tell you how many times the phrase "Really struggling" shows up in my daily journal! And you wrote this post on my birthday, so it feels oddly important to me. I hear your despair, I know your despair, and I hope that things are not as painful these days. Change is hard, slow, and inevitable. You are beautiful and brave. Hang in there.


I'm all ears! Er, eyes.