Tuesday, February 15, 2011
On returning, I was sick with a respiratory thing which sapped my energy and made it hard to take deep breaths without coughing...so little exercising. We also were hit with that blizzard, so the shock of coming from perfect 75* weather to negative numbers and 2 feet of snow and ice with grey skies has taken a HUGE toll on my well-being.
There are a few other stressors in my life as well having to do with relationships that need my constant focus. I'm beginning to resent those people, and that isn't good. I'm fed up trying to put together cute T1 outfits while being a size 18. I don't like my hair. I don't like the pictures of me from vacation. I'm sick of green smoothies. T-tapp is getting harder, not easier.
I've never dealt very well with stress. I don't really know anyone who does. My normal response is sleeping alot, vegging on the 'puter, and eating. In other words, I check out. But the stress shows up in other ways....a sore back, headaches, and biting the insides of my cheeks. I'm also jittery, and though I sleep lots, I don't sleep well. I often wake in the middle of the night and can't sleep. Upon waking, I feel like crap. T-Tapp and healthier eating patterns have served me well for the most part, but this week I feel really low. I'm definitely slogging.
One way I've tried to cope is to just be honest with my hubby. I tell him I feel off-balance and unhappy. I share that I'm just not doing so well emotionally, and it's affecting me physically. He's been SUPER supportive (we're going to try to plan a getaway to the beach for a few days in the next 8 weeks, just the two of us), and he takes the burden of helping with the cooking and cleaning. He's great with the kids and their never-ending issues. He's ever-present and aware of my needs. What a gift!
A train of thought I'm also trying to follow is "it's a lie to believe that when I'm thin/out of debt/done raising kids/living in a warmer climate/etc. I'll be happy." Geneen Roth talks about this constantly. I just finished re-reading her chapter called 'Reteaching Loveliness' in Women, Food and God. The patterns of my life all point to my unhealthy beliefs about myself.....things our culture says, things others have said to me, things I then say to myself. That old adage "bloom where you're planted" sums up what I'm trying to focus on. BUT I'm also realizing that can make me feel trapped. A dichotomy I hate.
While I believe we create our lives by the choices (and so-called non choices) we make, sometimes it feels like blooming where we're planted is a prison sentence we're forced to serve due to bad choices. For instance, I really don't like our house. I 'thought' I liked it when we bought it (just like every other house we've owned), but have come to hate it. Since discovering my T1 energy/beauty profile, I now understand why I hate this house, and why I've hated the other ones. I compromised on some of the most important things a house should have for a T1 (namely open spaces, lots of light, and options for moving furniture around). What was once a challenge I relished....bringing my house into the new century....is now a burden. I know that there is nothing short of major, expensive renovation to make my house more T1. Moving isn't a great option given the market, the amount of updating that still needs to be done, and not knowing where to go next.....so I'm stuck, trying my best to bloom.
Mid February is my most difficult time each year. It's not close enough to spring in our area to begin looking forward to crocuses and the smell of damp new life emerging, lacy green covering the trees and robins hop, hop, hopping across the dew. Maybe all this turmoil I feel is just due to the time of year. 15 or so years ago I wrote a song in the middle of February that still captures my feelings and state of mind, even all these years later....
The winter's come to my heart, and it's been this way so long
That it's hard to imagine the color green.
My days are dark and cloudy, and my strength is running low
Even the snow has lost it's charm.
How I long for the sweetness of the spring
And the warm, gentle breezes that it brings...
I'm waiting for my heart to be revived in new life
And the gentle rains to wash away the coldness of my nights...
Oh, I need the promise of the spring.
Well I know it's just a season, a time when things must die
But it always seems the winter lasts so long.
So light a fire within me; Plant a hope that will not fail
With a promise that the spring will soon be here.
Won't you paint a watercolor world for me?
With a palette full of mellow shades of green?
Send the sunshine to melt away this hardness of my heart...
Won't you come change the seasons, I need a brand new start.
Oh, I need the promise of the spring
How I long for the spring, and the song the robin sings
With a promise of new life that it brings
How I long for the sun, and the blossoms that will come
Oh their fragrance fills the fields where I will run
When springtime comes.
How sad is it to be a T1 energy and struggle with depression? I've tried to make changes in my life to support that energy, to grab ahold again of the happy girl in the yellow dress, and I've definitely made strides in that direction, but I'm frustrated at how easily I slide back to old patterns of thought and behavior. Where is this optimism and hope that I'm supposedly full of as a Type 1? Where is the 'connect-disconnect'? Geneen says to stop trying to fix what's broken and just be aware. But there are things that need fixed, no? I can't just sit on my laurels and wait for rays of sunshine to come bursting thru my pores.
Maybe just getting up in the morning, taking one breath after another, being honest about how I feel, and writing all this is enough. I truly want more contentment and peace in my life, whether I ever get skinny or not. I really want to embrace my true self, skinny or not. I want to find joy, winter and cooped up house or not.
I want to love those in my life, perfect or not.
Thanks for letting me vent these things. Not a happy post, for sure, but an honest one. I've had to handle a lot recently, and it prolly won't let up for a bit, so kindness MUST be my motivator. I just need to decide if kindness means staying in my cozy bathrobe all day eating coco wheats, or getting showered, dressing my truth and t-tapping?
I have so many other thoughts flitting through my mind, but this post is incoherent --and long-- enough. Just keepin' it real. Thanks for reading.....