Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Dark Tunnel.

On January 2nd, my mom told us her cancer had returned with a vengeance.  She battled breast cancer 4 years ago, but's returned and metasticized to her bone.  Specifically her breast bone.  There is a golf ball sized tumor right behind it, currently eating into the bone.  Scary words: Stage 4.  Terminal. 

Obviously the last 48 hours have handed me more emotion than I've felt in YEARS.  I posted over in the Living Your Truth forums asking how a Type 1 deals with this kind of news.  I mentioned that I found myself drifting towards my secondary T4, and though I can certainly draw strength from that energy, I didn't want to lose site of my dominant T1.  Interestingly, my mom shares my same T1/4 profile....so I want to walk this road with her, honoring both of T1 energies.

Now more than ever I want to get healthy.....My family will need me, *I* will need me!  Taking care of myself is is also a way to honor my mom.  So, now and then I might need to spew some ugliness hereabouts.  I REALLY want to use this season to practice living my truth, and getting past some of the stickies in my life.  
Hope ya don't mind.

As tragic as this, I'm amazed at how quickly priorities shift.  How the truly important become paramount, and everything else fades to the periphery.  It's tempting to write off anything frivolous, anything fluffy, anything brainless and FUN during times like this.  My T4 is sorta demanding I stand up and be an adult and mature and take everything really seriously and do it perfect.  
My T1 quietly scurries to the corner to wait....as she's waited for so much of my life.  
But I need to coax her out.  
We're all gonna need her childlike brilliance and hopefulness.

So don't expect this blog to become all gloom and doom.  My mom's cancer is just another angle to view this journey to wholeness....even a 'gift' of sorts....an opportunity to really put to practice what I say I value:  

To live in the present tense.  

And as I do, I'll begin to see light at the end of this dark tunnel, and run to shake hands with the real me.  

PS.  To 'meet' my mom, you can read a post she did on my other blog HERE.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I do think you are right in seeing this in a whole way, not just the negative side. Take care and like you say a bit of fluff never hurt anyone.

  2. Cindy,

    I am no stranger to cancer or death. I am a good listener. I found walking helps me. I walk (now run some) miles. With each step I feel like I leave a care behind, leave self behind and realize we are all connected. We are just a small piece of something so much bigger.
    Take a walk.


  3. My sister in law passed away this past Sept. with the exact same progression of her breast cancer. My heart goes out to your Mom and your whole family.

  4. I just started reading your blog over the holiday weekend. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom's bad news -- which is also bad news for you. Even though I don't know you (and vice versa), I'm sending you some good vibes.

  5. Cindy, I "know" you from your Cottage Instincts blog, Ttapp forums and now this one and I'm just so sorry to hear about your Mom.


I'm all ears! Er, eyes.